When ‘Kwanjura’ Morphs into Comedy: No Money, No Funny

Friends,
For the past few years, I have gone about my business here in the UK, hanging out with my kids, doing my ‘Kyeyo’ and reconnecting with Ugandans in different parts of the world whenever I get a chance but, for some reason; I have never bothered to involve myself in so many family ‘kwanjula’ or wedding functions. ‘Kwanjula’ is a traditional ceremony in Uganda where a couple introduces themselves to family and friends. There are a lot of drinks, food, smiling and speeches there and I have just fallen in love with it after watching a DVD of my young brother’s ‘Kwanjula’.

Rhemmie Kiggundu( auntie) with two of my sisters attending my brother’s ‘kwanjula’

To be honest, I don’t know who invented this stuff but it is awesome and I’m glad it is part of our culture. The ceremony is more of a light comedy about two spokespersons (‘abogezi’ in Luganda) such that my brother’s DVD made me laugh from the beginning to the end. For instance, one spokesperson apologised to the other in Luganda: ‘nsonyiwa okulemelako nga Nambooze weyalemela ku DP’ meaning ‘forgive me for super gluing myself on to you as Nambooze super glued herself to DP’. Everyone looked smart in ‘Kanzus’ and I think it is high time we specifically gave this tender of selling ‘Kanzus’ to only Mengo to help them make some money for the kingdom.

It seems rather unfortunate that this very good comedy has not been taken to new levels up to now. Rich men and women in Uganda should gather all these so called ‘spokespersons’ to help us create a TV drama series that will keep us smiling in our homes too. How I wish I owned a TV station in Uganda because I think I could do a better job with these people.

Think of it this way–if you’ve ever watched a snippet of Comedy Central’s The Daily Show online, you know that before you watch any of it, you have to watch an ad. So the studio is making money off that–but not the writers, who don’t see a dime. When a show airs on regular television, the writers get paid. When it airs in reruns, the writers get paid a residual, which is less, but they still get paid.

We all need people with a sense of humour in our lives and I’m glad we have got them in plenty at the Ugandans At Heart (UAH) forum. See, here’s a pointer for a joke to work, it has to have a kernel of truth to it. For a barb to sting, it has to make some kind of sense. UAH’s John Nsubuga, Okurut Simon Peter and Otto Patrick are real comedians if anyone ever bothered to read their messages. John is a cartoonist too and we love him. Some of Otto’s photos are real funny but at the same time, there are supposed to indirectly bully some people in debates, but he is a funny guy. Otto can use any image in the world to defend Museveni and I like his zeal. The sad part of it is that I don’t his real names or who he is exactly since Otto is just a pseudo name.

As for the pretty girls on ‘kwanjula’ functions I have been watching on DVDs, I can only guess that it’s because liberal boys never try to make a move on them without the UN Security Council’s approval. Jesus, some of these girls look so pretty in ‘gomesi’ and ‘Hijabs’ but some of us are ‘retired Generals’ such that we can do nothing about it. In one of the DVDs I watched, I was amazed to see that they bring girls as young as 6 years, dressed in ‘gomesi’, to entertain the visitors. This I thought is a good initiative as it promotes cultures among the young ones.

Even the newspapers are comedians, can you imagine mama fina’s nude photos making headlines in newspapers and our online forums. Actually, one captain Rashid on UAH forum said that she had a ‘great body’. Phewwwwww! I didn’t know that Mama Fina was out there to break some hearts, and now I hear she has gone missing, moreover, with almost all her ‘great’ body.

While most people have been distracted by this act, Museveni has worked hard and long to grease the way for the end of corruption as he promised again this week for the 100th time to get tough on corrupt people and his ‘Amama-Kutesa’ oil buddies while, for example, “reforming” the IGG office which has been part of us since 1986. The Inspectorate of Government is mandated to fight corruption by the national Constitution of 1995 and the Inspectorate of Government Act 2002. Yes, we want our stolen money back from the traitors’ who claim openly, Uganda is not being undone by trillionaire thieves, with the help of an independent journalist owning an independent Magazine called the ‘Independent’. This journalist defended Mbabazi and Kutesa during the oil bribe scandals and this showed the height of his independence, right?

Well, the corrupt get the money in the same way Hassan Basajjabalaba conducts genuine businesses without stealing anybody. But you get the prosthetic roads (without lakes in the middle), the nightmares, and the mysterious illnesses. So if your rage needs a target, there they are, responsible for your being there, and responsible for keeping you there. I can’t tell how you can act on all this as I’m just reaching for one or two perhaps three individuals to join in making a stand for Ugandans and declare: NRM is an enemy to Humanity for not caring about the people they lead.

Also on the Museveni-bashing team is comedian Hon.Meddie Nsereko, who claimed that the NRM is dumb as “an egg-timer” and said that they don’t respect any laws they enacted themselves, but he goes ahead and allegedly uses his ‘dental machines’ to extract two teeth out of a police man. What an ‘honorable’ act to do for a legislator!

Anyway, just who the hell are we trying to convince ourselves here that we should have had a better president than Museveni yet we also don’t want to change ourselves.

If anything, Museveni is a normal human being that has a lot in common with normal Uganda business practices: ‘juju’( witchcraft), corruption, eviction, Chameleon fighting Bebe Cool, women pouring acid on fellow women, pastors poring acid on pastor Umar Mulinde, ‘ghosts’ killing Muslims clerics in Uganda and elsewhere using guns, men discarding girls as their heirs as some men promote their sons to Brigadier, e.t.c

But, overall, we thank whoever invented ‘Kwanjula’ and i believe Ugandans abroad should also do it when they go back home. It is real comedy that deserves to be moved to another level. I love it now, don’t you?

‘By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.’ – Socrates

Abbey Kibirige Semuwemba